To the Stay at Home Mom who feels the “Pressure of Perfection”

Do you stay up late cleaning the house after the kiddos have gone to bed? Do you find yourself stressed out throughout the day trying to get A, B & C done and checked off the list? Are you frequently short tempered with your kids and just wish someone was there to help you out so you could get everything done?

I get it. I’ve been there.

Being a stay at home mom can involve a lot of pressure to be perfect. You’re home all day, so why shouldn't you be able to get everything done around the house and still have time to tend to all the needs of the children?

There is an endless list of shit that we feel has to get done when we stay home with our children. We don’t have a career outside of the home like some other moms, so why does it seem so freaking hard to just maintain our home? 

Listen Linda, it’s freaking hard to be home alone with little people all day. You don’t get to have adult conversations or be able to go pee in privacy and we often lose that feeling of having a purpose if we’re not supported in the right ways. 

Like I said, I was there. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. When my close group of friends went back to work, I was lonely as hell. Being a stay at home mom, I felt the need to always be and do everything perfectly. If only someone had told me it was okay not to have everything perfect and that just being there for my kids was perfect enough!

I used to be the mom who always had a clean house, laundry done, everything organized, homemade meals cooked and everything in order. Then I separated from my husband and started my own cleaning business and let me tell you, these priorities fell to the wayside (what cleaner wants to come home and clean their own house?). We all survived, and in fact, it was actually beneficial for my kids to see that their mom isn’t perfect and that they need to help out as well to have a functioning household. They’ve learned to clean, cook and tidy and they actually enjoy it and will take it upon themselves to do these things when I’m at work. By pitching in they allow us the time to cuddle up and watch a movie, or head into the city for the day and enjoy ourselves. I’ve learned to put laughing and playing with my kids first instead of telling them “later”. They know they are a priority and if there is anything I want my two daughters to know, it is that they are ABSOLUTELY a priority! 

Get in the Damn Photo

It wasn’t until after my divorce I realized I was the one always taking the pics and was never actually in them. Do yourself a favour and make sure to get some pictures with your kids! They don’t have to be perfect but just have fun with it and take what you can get!

So where does my perfectionism stem from? I’d say childhood, like most things. I had a mother who always had a clean home and a hot cooked meal on the table. Physical labor was her way of feeling she had a purpose. Taking care of the home was a priority. I’d also say that at a young age I felt the need to be perfect and to do what others expected of me to be worthy of love. I was quiet, well behaved and had a spirited sister who did as she pleased. I was told I was the “perfect” one so that’s who I figured I needed to be. I carried this label around with me for an astonishing amount of time before realizing who I truly was. This followed me into middle school where I carried the burden to make perfect grades and limited myself from trying new things, in fear I wouldn’t be perfect at them. I even remember my friends telling me I had the perfect life. Success!!! I had them fooled! 

Being a teenager who suffered from acne meant I stared at my imperfection in the mirror every day. My self esteem was in the toilet. I was always striving to make up for my imperfect-looking face in other areas, and I thought I was doing it for my parents. In their minds I was a “goody two shoes” and “perfect little Laura”. I know my parents loved me very much and in their eyes I could do no wrong but this also made me feel I could NEVER let them find out about my screw ups or times when I broke their rules. I watched what happens when you mess up and are honest. I had an older sister and to my younger self It seemed as if my Father loved her less and less each time she screwed up or showed up as her true authentic self. I decided to be the good girl, or at least do everything I could to make them believe I was perfect and hide my true self.

When I got a little older I turned to relationships to help me feel more perfect. Unfortunately, when I made the decision to get married it was based on finding a “perfect” provider because that’s what I was taught to look for. I was thinking about what would make my parents happy because I didn’t know what would make me happy. I had never had an example of a healthy relationship based on true love, how could I have known what to look for. Then when I was married I did what was expected of me as a “perfect” housewife and mother. Boy, did that blow up in my face! I ended up losing any identity I had and putting the needs of everyone else around me first before the needs of myself. Don’t forget you need to FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE before getting into a serious relationship!!

Warning: Living a life that is based on the expectations of others doesn’t work. I remember walking into my daughter’s class one evening for parent teacher interviews and the teacher saying “Oh there’s my perfect little family”. I wanted to puke. I felt like a fraud. I had these people fooled that my life was perfect as well. I remember feeling uncomfortable and my mind racing, “If my life is perfect why do I feel so unhappy, lonely and trapped? This can’t be perfect and if it is, I don’t want it.”

So back to mom life, now that you know a bit of my back story. . . What happens if you leave the laundry in a pile on the floor or the dishes for the next day? Or leave the floor a mess from the dog who sheds and walks in with his muddy footprints? What happens if you simply left it all and just enjoyed being in that very moment with your kids? Laughing, playing, cuddling, singing, dancing, simply having a blast with your kids? I’ll tell you what will happen…you’ll make some happy memories and the mess will be there for you to deal with tomorrow like it would be even if you had taken the time to clean it up (because messes constantly reappear). Your kids will have a memory of a mom who laughed and played with them instead of a mom who always chose to clean.

Princesses & Tea Parties

What I would give to have these days back with my little ones, so I could make more memories and soak it all in! Take time to breathe and enjoy, knowing that they would go by in the blink of an eye. (Wish this photo would have captured our whole faces but at least it’s there for a reminder.)

Life is full of moments and the choices and those moments come only once. When we choose to keep our house looking perfect over being present with our kids, that’s a moment we will never get back. The time we have with our children is short. In that moment when they’re small and you’re home alone with them all day, it goes by slowly, but I promise you the next thing you know they are teenagers and you’re lucky if they even want to be seen with you. 

Please use these precious days to build a relationship with your children, to look at them and point out their best qualities, to teach them things, to just laugh with them at any silly show. Let them know you’re there for them if they make a mistake.

Let me tell you this: My life now is far from perfect, and yes, I still feel the need to strive for perfection when I do things. I have learned that it’s human nature. Imposter syndrome, which a lot of us struggle with, is a form of perfectionism. Thankfully I’m now aware of this. It has become easier to deal with. My house is far from perfectly clean, laundry is rarely done, we eat out more than I ever expected I would and I should probably wash my floor more than I do. But guess what? I’m not stressed out. I’m relaxed. I’m having fun with my kids. We’re spending time with cousins, we’re taking road trips, hiking, laughing, singing, cuddling. Those are the things I want my kiddos to remember me for. Not that they had a perfectly clean house and perfect family. I want them to feel okay to not be perfect. To try new things and fail, to go after what makes their heart happy and not what other people think they should do. So I encourage you today to put down the dirty dishes, turn on some music, laugh, sing, play and hold those little ones and make the memories while you can!! Trust me, your babies will thank you when they’re all grown up!

Vancouver Island Trip

This past summer my girls and I took a trip to remember to Vancouver Island! Did I have the money to do it? Probably not. But damn, look how big these kiddos are getting! I knew it was the time to take a trip and fill the memory bank!